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Don’t ask  whether I’m a Dog Person or a Cat Person. I will steadfastly reply “Both.” In my view, a home is incomplete without (at minimum) one of each. For the first time in nearly nine long years, my home is complete, in that sense at least.

The yang of our big boy Waldo has been balanced by the yin of petite Willow.  He is all energy and action, and can’t for the life of him fathom why his bouncing invitations to play are being rejected. He does not see what Willow sees clearly: he is eight times her size.

Both of our pets came from the same shelter, where they received their coincidentally symmetrical names.  Adopted a little over a year apart, they have been adapting to one another for about three months.

I didn’t intend it, but they “match.” Both of them have white socks on their feet, and seem to be wearing white turtleneck “dickies” (some of  you will remember those. Weren’t they ridiculous?) Willow is a tortie/calico, and Waldo seems to be German Shepard based, in color and markings at least.

Waldo’s feet are long and narrow, with big webbed toes. Hound feet, although when he was a pup, they made him seem part wombat to me. He’s grown into them now, and they are just part of his general handsomeness.

Willow’s feet are another thing altogether. I love them. Her front paws are just slightly larger than my thumb, and she has little pink toes!  Those little toes pad after me down the hall along with Waldo’s clackety gallumphing. They swat at Waldo when he gets too frisky, and gently explore the space on the couch when she squeezes in between Waldo and me to curl up for a nap.

I dearly  love my dog, but I have longed for a cat. Willow does not disappoint. She is just friendly enough. At night, she happily sleeps in a basket in the laundry room, but will curl up with me for an afternoon nap. She purrs freely, and will rub her face against mine in greeting. She has an almost silent “meow,” which she rarely utters. She is lovely to look at, with an almost cartoonishly sweet face.

Fog is not the only thing that creeps in on little cat feet; happiness does too.

My aspiration to high-mindedness and my love of nice things have co-existed in constant tension for as long as I can remember.

I trace these early twin drivers to the following sources:

1) The life and work of Louisa May Alcott (Little Women! all those Transcendentalists she grew up with!)

2) My mother (glamorous black and white photos of her life in Los Angeles and San Francisco in the ’40s and ’50s! drawers full of cashmere sweaters! caviar and smoked oysters!)

The influences are entwined; my mom shared her stories of growing up during the Great Depression. She had two sweaters and one skirt to wear for school. Period. I can easily understand why she drifted to over-shopping later in her life- she could.

I over-shopped too, in my young adulthood. I was unrealistic and undisciplined for a while, and I suffered for it.

As I dug out from under debt (with the help of my mother, it is only fair to say) I developed a  new strategy: I would buy less, but I would buy the best I could afford when I had the money, so that I would not feel poor when I did not.

This strategy is best applied to things that last. I am still happily using the pots and pans I  purchased 25 years or so ago. I fretted  about the expense at the time, but that cobalt enamel looks as good to me now as it did in nineteen-eighty-whenever.

The amount of time spent anguishing over a prospective purchase tends to be balanced by my resulting satisfaction. In the last year and a half, I have anguished over a new sofa, a side table and an area rug for the family room, a dresser for The Kid, and a bed and bedside table for the master bedroom. That sounds like a lot, and it is,  but not so much when one considers that the sofa and bedside table are replacements for Craigslist stand ins, the wooden bed and headboard replace a basic metal frame, and the other pieces should have been there long ago. ( I also took considerable advantage of sale prices and/or my employee discount.)

And now I am ready to put on the brakes, thanks to some sort of inner equilibrium that shifts my attitude about spending from exhilaration to queasiness at just the right time. After a certain amount of consumption, I am driven to get back to work, and produce something.

I feel contented and supported when I see and use the things I’ve bought. They serve my family and me, and will for a long time,  leaving me mental space to worry about bigger things.

This aging but not old house of mine needs work- large-scale stuff: the slab needs jacked, the spare room ceiling leaks, the flooring is shot. Ideally, both bathrooms would be gutted and re-done. Every summer, we cross our fingers that the (original) air conditioner will crank away for one more year. We’re working on it; the jackers will be here next Monday to finish what they started on a too-rainy day a while back, and then we will turn our attention to whatever is next on the list.

In the meantime, I do what I can on my own, a step at a time. If the house itself is the Titanic, I am rearranging the deck chairs.

I sometimes ask myself whether cosmetic things like fresh paint on a wall and new lamps are justifiable use of my limited resources considering the larger challenges we face around here, but I always come back to yes: the “To Do” list is long, but the “Done” list is growing. As I look around after two years of chipping away at small changes, I can see results, and it energizes and encourages me.

The beauty of my “Done” list is that the items, once attained,  stay done, leaving me more time to focus on new goals, like actual deck chairs. They’re on the list too, right at the end.

I spent the first 45 years of my life trying to please my mother, and will doubtless spend the next 45 mourning my decision to stop. My mother was a deeply unhappy woman, tender-hearted but narcissistic, and unable to relinquish her identity as a victim. I was well into middle age before I fully realized the futility of trying to help someone feel better when they don’t want to.

It is no coincidence that I have always derived the most satisfaction in my life from aiding others, in any way I can. (This is not to suggest that I spend all of my time helping people. I’m not that kind of saint.) In a professional context, my life as a Public Defender investigator was about as good as it gets: I helped my clients, obviously, but also their families, and case witnesses. Being involved in a criminal proceeding is confusing and scary to “normal” people- there was a lot of fear and anxiety to calm, and I was happy to do it. If I have a passion for anything in life, it is for making people feel better.

Yesterday,  in the course of my part-time job, I was at a customer’s home as the “support” half of a design team. We were there to offer advice on furniture and decor in several rooms, including that of her teen-aged daughter, who was present during part of our visit.

Mom was clearly feeling stressed, and the daughter, who had not expected to see us, was at best, less than fully engaged with the process. After a fairly unremarkable exchange between the two of them, the daughter left for lunch with a friend, and the mother returned to our project, clearly distracted and almost distraught.

My colleague and I are both mothers of daughters. Hers is the age of the customer’s girl; mine is “grown.” We commiserated over the  drama inherent in living with a female teen, and I took it upon myself to assure her that the friction is usually temporary, and absolutely typical.

I did not really expect to spend so much of our time addressing the dynamics of our customer’s relationship with her kids, but it seemed right, because she was in such distress.  This very attractive, perfectly groomed woman, in her beautiful home, emanated emotions I could recognize and relate to: isolation and shame.  Isolation in the sense of thinking that the rest of the world isn’t challenged by what she was dealing with, and shame that she wasn’t handling it better.

As a human being, I couldn’t ignore what I saw. We talked for quite a while, and I allowed her to vent, carefully offering observations and suggestions. My colleague shared some of her experiences with her own daughter, and eventually we were able to return to our initial purpose.

In my resumed role as designer support, I listened to the consultation and took notes, thinking of the horror management might feel at the time we spent off -task. I dismissed my worry; had we not spent the time addressing the customer’s immediate concerns, we would have never had her attention.

I realized yesterday afternoon that as much as I enjoy my part-time work, I will never be completely satisfied by helping at just a superficial level. Choosing throw pillows is a daunting burden for some people, and it’s fun to turn someone’s dread to enthusiasm as she feels empowered to develop and exert her taste. But there are bigger problems out there, and more pain. I won’t be satisfied until I can tackle some of that again.

I honestly go for days, weeks, and sometimes even months without giving too much thought to my age. And then something happens that makes me think about it, and I feel old. In the bad way. The “Everything is Headed South and it is Too Late to DO Anything About it” way. Fortunately, that really doesn’t happen all that often. (Good thing, because it really hurts when it does.)

Lately, I’ve been feeling too old.

In the right way.

I’m too old to keep on operating under assumptions, that if they were ever true, are certainly outdated.

I’m too old to wear cheap shoes. Unless I want to. If they’re cute. And comfortable.

I’m too old to hope that things will happen simply because I wish they would.

I’m too old not to try.

I’m too old not to give myself credit.

I’m too old to save the good stuff  for later.

I’m too old not to take care of myself and my family.

I’m too old to wait for approval. Or permission.

I’m too old not to sing in the car.

I’m too old to ignore or deny my power.

I’m too old not to appreciate what I have, what I am, and what I can still be.

In my sporadic yet ongoing search for real work, I have established a LinkedIn profile. True to my self-conscious, insecure, indecisive self, I have not completed said profile. This post will attempt to address why that is, in my hope that in so doing I will be inspired and motivated to move forward.

The purpose of the LinkedIn profile is to present one’s professional self to the world. It should  list accomplishments, describe abilities and define goals, and with any luck, propel the professional toward connections and opportunities. Right?

OK. So what is my problem?

I am morbidly averse to trying to catalogue my accomplishments, probably because I am afraid I won’t find any. Likewise abilities. And goals? Uh, to find a job. That I like. That pays reasonably well. With great colleagues. That challenges and engages me and allows me to make some contribution to the greater world. Or at least my little corner of it. Can I be more specific?

Now you see my problem.

It’s packaging. And truth. Not that I have any problem with the truth. My problem is reconciling who I have been with who I want to be next, right down to my very name.

(I’ve written before about why I wanted to change my name. I’ve gone so far as to change it socially, but not legally. Mainly due to dread of bureaucracy, but the time has come to confront that too. I see a trip to the County Clerk’s Office in my near future. I’ll think about dealing with the DMV and Social Security later, when I can bear it.)

In the short-term, at the suggestion of my very savvy friend, I have  merged all four components of my name into one LinkedIn identity. She was right to talk me out of ditching my unloved first name, and the surname I was born with; my entire professional life has been lived as that person. So the name thing is solved for the moment: first, middle, last and married. It is quite the moniker. I fear that no one will have the patience for the whole thing. (There’s a lot of spelling.) I am Sandra Leigh Smutz Cadwallader. (phew)

Having solved the Who, I must still consider the What; the complete profile includes a title or tag line that summarizes the professional. That’s great if you are a marketer, an engineer, or a candlestick maker, looking for another marketing/engineering/candlestick making gig, but what about me? I’d like to cast the widest possible net without sounding like a Psycho Great Imposter. (haven’t we all worked with one of those?- “Yeah, I ran a restaurant. It was after I was a swimsuit model and before I became a stockbroker.”- lookin’ at you, K in S.F.)

I am a former investigator with experience in criminal law, juvenile dependency, and insurance. My greatest strength may be my ability to approach and engage people, to gain rapport, build and maintain relationships, often under stressful conditions. I am a skilled interviewer. I am able to obtain information from multiple sources and quickly and concisely put it in report form. I routinely managed multiple projects with conflicting deadlines. I am by nature a problem solver with an interest in conflict resolution. I enjoy training and mentoring. Although I have never been strictly motivated by money, I have strong sales skills: in my current part-time position, I am consistently among the top three producers. I qualified for “President’s Club” status last year by attaining over $300,000 in sales. This year I am on track to attain at least $500,000.

So what am I?

Shortly after I started this blog, I posted about the contents of my closet. The take-away was that its inventory was pretty ho-hum: jeans, khaki chinos, black pants, black turtlenecks and white shirts. In my defense,  there were also cardigans in turquoise, chartreuse and violet blue, as well as silver ballet slippers, turquoise sandals, and fuschia wedges. (and don’t forget the leopard suede flats!) Overall though, it was a pretty plain picture, and in retrospect, very indicative of how I felt- inconsequential and invisible, uncertain of what to do next.

What a difference a year or so makes.

I’ve not added a lot to the repertoire (no need, sorry to say) but it’s easy to spot: chinos, again, but this time a pair in turquoise and one in acid yellow. Another button-down shirt, but now, deep coral. I didn’t make a conscious effort to add the bright colors; they just seemed right. I like to think that this reflects a deeper change: a willingness to take a little risk, and to be noticed, and a general lightening of attitude.

Lest you think that it’s more a sign that I have just lost my damn mind, I must mention the other few additions I made: cotton sweater sets, one black, one white, as well as a pair of low heeled perforated oxfords in ivory and a pair of saddle color flats. You can take the girl out of the basic, but only so far…

It is entirely possible that I began this blog as an outlet for my horrible puns. But I digress:

This title is about beauty, specifically as it relates to women. Or as we relate to it.

Much has been written and said on this subject, so I will not start from scratch. I assume we all know about the unrealistic standards we as women hold ourselves to, and the further erosion of our tenuous confidence as we age.

I’m thinking about this because of a photo The Kid took of the two of us recently. It was a happy day, and it showed in our faces. I looked at this picture, and I saw my beautiful, fresh-faced daughter, with her wide, gleaming, orthodontically enhanced smile.

Then there was me, slightly behind her, also smiling (and for once, not looking as though the process of having my picture taken was causing me actual, physical pain.) What did I see? Wrinkles, (especially the deep vertical crease between my eyebrows) and my crooked front tooth. My immediate reaction was the sense of being something of a dessicated shell of the shiny, full creature in front of me. Then I shook it off, and realized that I should be pleased that she chose to use this shot as her Facebook profile picture, since it included me.

It’s been a week or so since that picture was taken. The Kid and I were having one of those lovely, offhand conversations that sneak up on us once in a while. I must have made some negative remark about my hair or my face or who knows when she let me have it:  “You are always so hard on yourself. Look at that picture of us I took- you are so pretty. I wouldn’t have posted it otherwise.”

That took me back. I can’t say I have been able to see what she sees, but I have been convinced to believe that she does, and other people might.

The last several years have been particularly challenging, for reasons I’ve mentioned, and others we don’t need to worry about right now.

Despite that, and my natural default setting of “fret and ruminate,” I am inherently optimistic; as low as I sometimes feel, I can’t help but hope for the future.

Sometimes we get a boost just when we need one. Yesterday was one of those times.

My literacy student was the featured student speaker  at the Literacy Center’s annual fundraising breakfast, before an audience of more than 200 community leaders.  He was open and compelling, talking about his life and how learning to read was changing it. Afterward,  he was approached  by a number of people, who offered support and leads for jobs. He left with an application and list of open positions from the sponsoring venue.

It was our second breakfast as a team, and the realization of a goal set at the first:

https://thatdifficultstage.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=409&action=edit

On a smaller, more personal note, I noticed that for the first time, a sapling in my front yard seemed to be in bloom. This scrawny little thing appeared  under our real trees  several years ago. From the shape of its leaves and the look of its stem (it didn’t even really have bark yet) I hopefully guessed it was a dogwood tree. My belief had been unsupported by further evidence until yesterday, when I glimpsed the few spots of white among the leaves as I parked my car.

I looked and looked again. There they were: flowers with four petals, yellow centers. I stared. Took a photo. Back into the house and on Google Images I went. There is no doubt. It’s a dogwood. Blooming. I choose to take it as a sign.

My somewhat under-filled schedule allows for too much procrastination. The little (and big) tasks on my list take on less urgency when I tell myself I have plenty of time to get to them. As a result, I don’t always accomplish what I should. 

The two bird feeders in my front yard are an example: I noticed last week that they needed to be filled. Today, as I walked to the house on the way back from an errand, I took the few minutes to take care of it.

After releasing Waldo from his crate and pouring myself a cup of coffee, I glanced out of the kitchen window. There they were: bright Cardinals, Goldfinches, and Purple Finches, dithering around the feeders with their more soberly dressed counterparts.

“You get more birds when you fill the feeders” I snarked to myself. The metaphor walloped me between the eyes. Well, duh…

 

George Lakoff

George Lakoff has retired as Distinguished Professor of Cognitive Science and Linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley. His newest book "The Neural Mind" is now available.

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