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For as long as I can remember, I have been addicted to ephemera (more on this later, I warn you now) which means that I have an embarrassing number of boxes, baskets, and files of old photos, postcards, schoolwork (not just The Kid’s, but mine) and so forth.
Yes, I am sentimental, but I tell myself that I am also something of an historian, or social scientist, and I will make some meaningful use of this material “someday.” But mostly I am sentimental. I had a bulletin board at my last “real” job that was covered with work-related memorabilia: thank you notes from clients and interns, office photos, etc. Those went into my work tote when I left in June of ’11, and stayed there until recently. (My little job is starting to become more “real” and the work tote is back in play.)

The contents of the tote ended up in an open cardboard box on the floor of the guest room/office/holding area.

Waldo and I like to hang out there; I cruise the internet play lexulous work at the computer or read. Waldo sprawls on the floor or keeps watch on the neighbors.
Waldo is growing up. He is much more in control of his behavior; the biting, jumping, and chewing are tapering off. He can be left unsupervised for longer times, and when he does commit a doggy crime, he seems remorseful. Mostly.

I was home alone with him this evening, and I let my guard down. We went outside a few times, I fed him and we spent some quality time on the couch. Then I got engrossed in a book. It was quiet. Too quiet. I checked on him. He was in the guest room, on the floor, happily engaged with his Kong. Back to my book I went.

We went out again, and I returned to my book. Time passed, and I told myself I was probably pressing my luck. Back to the book. (Bossypants by Tina Fey- yes, I am behind the curve, and yes, you MUST read this)

The next time I checked on my boy- think Mena Suvari and rose petals in American Beauty, only she is a shepard/hound/whatever mix dog, and the rose petals are paper shreds.

I found remnants of a paycheck from my last job, the return label from a card from my friend Teri, and pieces of a card signed by someone named Kate. That’s the one that baffled me. I knew two women with that name: a former co-worker, who never wrote me a card, to my best recollection, and the sister of the guy who dumped me on the day I met TMIM. I don’t remember getting any correspondence from her, either. It’s not like the card was simply signed- there were fragments of sentences all over the place.

I am curious, but not to the point of greeting card reconstruction. I scooped all of the soggy remnants up and into the trash they went.

I drove home from work today tired, but in a fine mood, listening to BB King’s Bluesville on Sirius Radio. Out of curiousity, I tapped the tuner a click or two, and found a station for Broadway show tunes. I was entertained by a song I did not recognize, followed by “Be a Dentist” from Little Shop of Horrors.

As I turned the corner to my street, I heard the beginning notes of a song I almost recognized. Then I heard the opening  words, “If ever I would leave you…” from the musical Camelot. My mom was a huge fan of musicals generally, Camelot especially, and I was overwhelmed with the memory of her, the poignancy of the lyric, and the pain of our estrangement in the years before she died.

I’m not sure if any of my neighbors driving past noticed  me as I sat crying in my car, parked at the curb in front of my house, but that was what that was about…

As you know, TMIM is the cook in our family. I came home from work this evening and spied him through the kitchen window, hard at work. Enticing, yet unfamiliar aromas greeted me as I opened the front door.

“I’ve solved it,” he told me when I walked into the kitchen and found him alternately stirring the contents of two skillets. “Sloppy Joes for me and ratatouille for you.”

“With eggplant?” I asked incredulously.

“Sure,” he replied, “I’m not eating it.”

(It was delicious.)

Those big yellow buses are rolling through my neighborhood this week. Even though neither The Kid nor Dr. T. take one, they are both in school again. I went back to school in my own way last month, resuming literacy lessons with BR after the July break.

That July break extended through August for me in many ways; for some reason, all of my little routines seem to have been disrupted at once: my neighbor became unavailable for our regular walks,  Dr. T. was out of school, the weather turned either viciously hot or rainy (not that THAT was a surprise) and I just generally drifted through the last two months without much of a plan.

Which is not to say that nothing got done. I have had a couple of good conversations and a great coffee date with my new Linkedin connection. I think we will stay in touch and I am already encouraged and inspired to explore finding some way to be useful in my old field.

I’ve been training in my new position at my existing job, and getting more comfortable in that role.

Several projects around here are inching toward completion, and we are having the exterior of the house painted next week (there are no words to express my glee.) 

We had a small and enjoyable party for The Kid’s 21rst birthday.

There is something about the end of summer that always makes me want to start over and do better. It’s like New Year’s Eve without the threat of a hangover. I suppose my September birthday adds to the sense of the chance for a fresh start. So here I go again…

Under-employment offers some advantages, including the ease with which one can excel. In the first six months of my little job, my efforts have been formally recognized three times, and I have received lots of great informal feedback from my managers. I have also been allowed more responsibility. Rather than simple floor sales, I will be able to schedule appointments to sit down with customers and develop plans for bigger projects, and I’m excited about the opportunity.

I see this job as a long-term, but not necessarily central, part of my work life. It is fun, the people I work with (and for) are wonderful, and I am developing skills in an area that has always interested me. I’m also applying skills I brought to the job. And of course, there’s the discount. I sell beautiful things for the home, and I have a home that needs many things, which might as well be beautiful.

Being officially “part-time” also keeps things fresh, and leaves me plenty of time for…

That’s the problem. Even with my puttering and my projects, my walking and my Waldo, and my lovely family, I find myself searching for somewhere to direct the rest of my energy. The years of experience in my field are jingling in my pocket, just crying out to be spent. (wow, tortured metaphor or what?)

I’ve been diverted this last year by many things (details available in previous posts), but have been inching back toward the hunt for a “big girl job” with a big girl paycheck (I have not given up my dream of hardwood floors.)

I applied for the local version of my old job when I spotted an opening in early May.  I tweaked my LinkedIn profile. I asked the colleague I most admired at my last job for a recommendation, which he promptly provided. I perused LinkedIn, scanning for anyone  with whom I might have some tenuous connection, who might give me some insight into the prospects for the job. I didn’t know anyone who knew anyone, but I noticed the profile of a woman who had previously held my prospective position. We seemed to have a lot in common professionally, although she has already done things I am still aspiring to: certified mediator, mitigation and sentencing specialist. I’d love to talk to her. I started composing a message, and couldn’t find the right tone. Dr. T came home and off to lunch we went.

I did not receive a response to my application, which stung a little, but was something of a relief:  a full-time job could be hard to juggle with the parts of my life that are working well- studying with BR two nights a week, and my little job, and there was a certain “been there, done that” aspect to the job. Ideally, I’d  come up with something that allowed me to set my schedule around my existing commitments, and give me room to grow. This train of thought pulled up right back where I started last year: mitigation specialist, certified mediator, private investigator, graduate student, freelance writer. All highly acceptable options, but how feasible? Time to start getting serious again.

About two weeks ago, I received a LinkedIn invitation from my prospective contact.  Had I sent the message after all? I couldn’t find it, and decided I was becoming just that much more senile. I happily responded to the invitation, promising myself to contact her after the in-laws left. Before I got to it, she sent me a note today, saying she’d found my profile on LinkedIn, that she was interested in moving to California and hoping I might be able to offer her some information on how things are done there. She offered to provide any information I might need about working here. I expect we will meet for coffee soon. I am still grinning at the cosmic symmetry.

To understand this story, you must understand a little about our backyard: It consists of two levels, the lower of  which includes a modest swimming pool. The lower level is mostly paved,  and is surrounded by a brick wall. The rear brick wall is interrupted by  steps leading to the upper part of the yard, which is mostly “wild,” covered in ivy and plant debris. There is a short wooden gate at the bottom of the steps.

This morning, as usual, I was taking Waldo to the upper portion of our backyard to conduct his personal business. Because he is a relentless digger, we keep him on a leash for these excursions. As we stepped outside, we both noticed our neighbors’ orange cat perched on the brick wall. I said hello, Waldo began to bark. I crouched to calm him down, and to remind him that We Like This Kitty. Before I could accomplish that, I caught something in my peripheral vision, headed our way. A squirrel? Vole? Mouse? Please, not a rat! A BABY BUNNY! How cute!  As I was attempting to register this surprising episode of adorableness, the bunny leapt into the pool.

I entreated Waldo to stay still and be calm, realizing as I did  that there was no chance of that happening. I kept one  eye on him and the other on the cat as I sat at the pool’s edge, attempting to grab the rabbit with my free hand.  As my feet hit the water I recognized the complete awkwardness of what I was doing. I was now close enough to see that the rabbit was injured, and finally made the connection between kitty and bunny. I also remembered the pool net.

Back on my feet, I reached for the net. With Waldo’s leash planted under one foot, I was able to scoop out the rabbit. I left him on the ground, wrapped in the net, while I made my way up the stairs with Waldo, who was deeply interested in all of this, but remarkably manageable.

I spoke firmly to the cat, took Waldo inside, and called for backup from TMIM.

Making plans to search for a  local wildlife rescue, I poured my first coffee of the morning and headed back outside. “He’s in the bushes,” said Dr. T, “he’s pretty chewed up.”

So much for the rescue plan: I was not about to crawl through the Nandina searching for this poor scared creature, but I could do one thing. Coffee in hand, I called to the cat. We are old friends, and he immediately followed me to the side yard.  I sat on the step; he hopped onto my lap. We chatted. I reminded him of my previous admonitions against killing and maiming the birds and critters in my yard. He might have pretended to agree with me, but I know he is still a stone cold killer. I just hoped to distract him long enough to allow the  bunny  to escape or die in peace.

I know nature is harsh. Rabbits are prey animals, and cats will kill. I know that dozens, if not hundreds, of life or death dramas play out in and around my yard. I’d just rather not participate.

She was past her prime when I found her on Craigslist. Although I wasn’t with TMIM when he picked her up in Chapel Hill, I could tell when I met her that she had spent time in one of the finer homes there: her on-line picture had done her justice. She was long and elegant, and her dress, while dated, had once been in the best of taste.

She wasn’t supposed to stay with us forever. Dr. T and Maggie needed someone in the family room until  I could move back in and make permanent arrangements. I imagine she felt cramped in our little paneled den, and probably better than her new surroundings. To be fair, I knew she wasn’t a perfect match- far from it. But we all make compromises from time to time. She needed a place to stay, and the price was right for me. Maggie, bless her uncritical heart, loved the lady immediately.

Months turned to years. The Kid moved back to Durham, and the lady adapted.  I shuddered to think of the indignities she suffered at the hands of The Kid and her friends while Dr. T visited me in California.

I came home to stay. Maggie died, and some months later, Waldo came to live with us. He has never treated the lady with the respect Maggie showed her- I often caught him nipping at her dress and gnawing her legs.

We found  someone more suitable for the family room, a brawny guy in buckskin. The lady went to the living room, where she almost fit in. Almost. Waldo continued to torment her when we weren’t watching. He scarred her legs and ripped her skirt. There was talk of the lady moving in with one of The Kid’s friends, but nothing came of it. The lady’s isolation seemed to make her more derelict by the day. Tonight, she will go to the curb. Wednesday, she will be picked up and taken “away.” I don’t like to think of it.

I catch her from the corner of my eye. “I could work here,” I think I hear her say. I tell her I’ve considered it, and we both know it’s just not right. “Well then, what about Craigslist again? It worked once.” I remind the lady she isn’t the same as she was four years ago. Does she really want to end up at Duke, to be immolated during basketball season? We both fall silent, embarrassed. Tonight will be awkward, but it will be all over by Wednesday. I hope it doesn’t rain before then. That would be too much for her to take.

In deference to any and everyone who has used the brilliant name “Haphazard Homemaker” I am hereby doing a bit of rebranding, and will filing future posts under the category “Slap-happy Homemaker” to avoid offense or confusion.

I aspire to a beautiful home, but have come to realize that I do not have the temperament, attention span, or financial resources to attain one by conventional means. Whatever progress I make in the direction of my goal seems to be the result of disturbingly long periods of time where I stare at the offending areas in and outside of the house, look at magazines and online resources (talking to you, Pinterest!) and  finally make a plan, followed by spurts of activity wherein something gets done. Or more often, partly done. Then eventually, finished.

Because of the large number of ongoing projects which follow this pattern, I am initiating a category of this blog, called, you guessed it- “The Haphazard Homemaker.” Because that is what I am.

A number of years ago, I realized that I could no longer see at close range well enough to attend to the basics of self grooming. Not yet ready to abandon makeup application and eyebrow plucking, I bought a magnifying mirror. Once again able to manage my daily primping, I could also see every flaw I had been avoiding for years, along with all the new indignities as they arrived: every wrinkle, spot, gaping pore and broken capillary was literally larger than life.

I mentioned my new mirror to my stylish (and much younger) co-worker. “Oh!” she exclaimed, “How do you stand it?”
As I answered her, I realized the truth and beauty of my reply.

“I figure that if I can get over the way I look magnified seven times, I can be confident that I will always look better than that to everyone else.”

I remembered our conversation the other morning, as I was getting ready for work. I stood in the bathroom, appraising myself, with half damp hair and no makeup. I noticed the way the hair at my temples  was coming in almost white, and how suddenly my eyes seemed bluer. I had a sudden reaction- not shocked, not smug, but just calm. “I’m beautiful.” It was more of a response to the way I was feeling than the way I looked: that I was where I should be, and that things would be ok, even if I couldn’t see exactly how.

My immediate response to the thought was regret that it had taken me 55 years to actively and spontaneously feel that way, and to wish that I had been kinder and more accepting of myself.   My next response was the awareness that the feeling wouldn’t last, and that if I didn’t get moving, I’d be late to work.

George Lakoff

George Lakoff has retired as Distinguished Professor of Cognitive Science and Linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley. His newest book "The Neural Mind" is now available.

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