I’d get a lot more done around here without my little feathered friends. I glance out of the window by my desk and spot a yard full of robins, most of whom are bobbing (seriously) up and down atop the holly bushes planted too close to the front of the house. They gobble happily at the berries until I lean in for a closer look, then fly off to the trees.

Now I notice a towhee (formerly “Rufous-sided,” now simply “Eastern”) on the ground under the holly. And a male cardinal, bright orange-red in the tree above him. Hmm, who else is out there? At the moment, just the robins, deciding whether or not I can be trusted.

I know if I decide to look harder, I’ll see more: nuthatches (brown and black), chickadees, titmice, catbirds, mockingbirds, thrashers, goldfinches, house finches, purple finches, pine siskins, juncoes, and my favorite- bluebirds. And those are only the guys I can name. Add in at least three different types of woodpeckers and all the various wrens and sparrows (I admit that I’ve been lazy about learning the brown birds) and it’s a wonder I get anything done. Because once I spot one, I have to watch for a while. Thank goodness I find the doves boring.

Chamillionaire – Ridin’ dirty (Feat. Krayzie Bone) – YouTube.

Thanks to that Volkswagen commercial, I’ve had this song in my head for weeks. As I roll, to the mall, to the grocery store, my literacy lessons, mentally singing along, I laugh to myself, wondering under what circumstances a 50-something white woman in an aging Volvo would have to worry about getting hassled by The Man. And then I remember that speeding ticket in Kansas…”They see me rollin’…”

If the job search is progressing, it is at a pace indiscernible to the human eye. No word from anyone I’ve contacted recently, and I subscribe to the theory that most people do not care to be bothered on Mondays. That said, I am turning my attention this rainy Monday to something where I might see some progress.

We’ve got this chair. It’s a big, manly recliner we bought when TMIM embraced his codger status shortly after his 50th birthday. The chair was originally purchased in Durham, and came back here when he did. It’s been well loved and well worn, and it shows. In a demonstration of flattering but misguided faith in my ability, Dr. T asked me to re-cover it. Sure, I’ve made some simple curtains and pillows, and I’ve even re-covered a storage ottoman (talk about your learning by doing.) But a recliner? That’s complicated. My good friend Google said don’t even try.

I took time to consider. A lot of time. The chair had been in the family room, but we’d replaced it with a pair of smaller club chairs and ottomans, so back to the living room it went. And it sat there in its shabby glory, at complete odds with the rest of the room. Couldn’t we just kick it to the curb? Dr. T was clearly not emotionally ready to let go of his old buddy. I considered further. I will undertake any project if the “after” can’t end up worse than the “before.” The recliner qualified.

My favorite part of designing a room is the “if this, then what?” aspect. My this: a hulking mass of navy blue leather in a room otherwise populated by smaller, lighter furniture, including wicker and rattan. The dominant colors in the room are smoky aqua, turquoise, taupe, and a sort of olive-brown. Mr. Chair was not invited, but now that he was here, I’d have to help him fit in; he was going to have to lighten up and lose some of his macho.

I decided I could manage his transformation if I left the back and sides alone. The real wear was on the footrest, seat and arms. The footrest seemed straightforward enough, the seat cushion was really just a glorified pillow, and the arms…well, I’d get to that when I got to it. I knew I was not ready to deal with leather, so the trick was to find a fabric sturdy enough to withstand the wear, and to make sense with the leather. Rather than trying to match the solid blue, I  wanted to use a pattern that related to the other colors in the room. Fortunately, mismatched upholstery is kind of a “thing” right now, and it suits my style, which I call, “I dunno, but like it (or can’t afford to replace it.)”

We found and ordered the fabric. I’d carefully calculated and measured  before I ordered, but now I was afraid to commit by cutting. I am not a math person, and I worried that there wouldn’t be enough material for the job. Finally, I decided to at least attack the footrest. It turned out fine. Emboldened, I ripped off the seat cover. And promptly lost my nerve again. I will not tell you how long I have been staring at that naked cushion. Today though, I am prepared to go forward. Sometimes you have to really not want to do one thing before you can make yourself do that other thing you have been avoiding.

BR and I have been working together for nearly six months now, and are on the verge of leaving behind a world consisting only of short vowel sounds and one syllable words. When you have been reading as long as I have, you tend to forget the intricate stages of learning the skill. Last night, we were reviewing blended digraphs, along with closed syllables and their five exceptions. (I know, you were too.)

I wrote the exceptions on the board: ild, old, olt, ost, and ind. We made words using each of the blended sounds: wild, child, gold, bold, colt, molt, most….uh oh! We touched on the exceptions to the exceptions: cost and lost, for example.

I constructed a pyramid of increasingly longer words as I made another list on the board. The last word was “topnotch.” BR quickly read it, and was able to identify the digraph (ch) and the blended digraph (tch.) I could see he “got it”, and he could too.

We went on with the lesson, and I tried hard to stay on our topic, but he is eager, and I am prone to digress. He suggested “coast” as a word using the “ost” exception. I wrote the real spelling on the board, and explained that we would get to that. “Oh wow,” he said smiling, as I demonstrated some other tricky vowel combinations we weren’t ready for. We talked about why English is such a complicated language to learn (all those other contributing languages.)

BR knows we have a lot of work left, but he knows he can do it. I do too.

When my husband headed back east in 2008, I almost instantly dropped 10 pounds. Even though I certainly missed him, I was not wasting away from that. Rather, I was occupying myself at the gym, and eating what I call “girl food.” I also took the liberty of eating my main meal, which was frequently meatless, at lunch, and snacking at our traditional dinner time. I dropped a pants size without noticing.

The lease on our place expired, and I moved The Kid and myself into a smaller, less expensive apartment within walking distance of the train I took to work, the library, a park, two grocery stores and a lively little downtown with restaurants and a movie theater. I walked virtually everywhere. (Not only was it painless exercise, I never had to worry about parking, which has to be a health benefit.) The weight stayed off. I never really “dieted,” just ate what I wanted when I wanted it. I am fortunate to prefer lots of fresh produce, low-fat dairy and whole grains and beans. (And salmon and spinach, which TMIM has very little use for.)

Even though I reverted to our joint habits when Dr. T and I  were together, the  weight stayed off. Restaurant meals, bacon, even Satan’s Crisps (you may know them as Utz potato chips) don’t have much effect if you only indulge a few days a month. No, the trouble began when I came home for good.

It wasn’t just one thing, but a “perfect storm” of factors: my husband is an excellent cook, and doles out generous, man-sized portions. He favors heavier foods than I would make myself, including fried chicken that would turn a vegan into a raging carnivore. But it’s not all his fault. As I have mentioned, it was stinkin’ hot this summer, and I did not move much. I did not have to get dressed for work, so never had a chance to notice that my  pants were getting snug. Before I knew it, my ten pounds had returned, and stay with me to this day.

It’s a funny thing about weight: I weigh exactly the same as I did when I was six months pregnant, but I assure you it is not distributed the same way. Over the course of the last 10 years, I have spent enough time at the gym (off and on as it was) to actually develop some muscle, so even though I have weighed slightly more than I did in my 30s, my overall size did not change much. I am trying to shape up, but I will not be too concerned about what the scale says. Any pound that wants to stay is welcome, provided it shifts to a place that allows me to zip my pants and sit in them without fear. I am also resigned to the idea that I may never have the waistline of my youth, but I will fight for it anyway- at least to keep the jungle from encroaching further.

This may be my last post focusing on weight loss; I have a smart and funny friend (one among many) who deals with it better and in more detail here. I will probably touch on it from time to time, since  it does relate to the health portion of my five priorities, and affects what I can wear and how I feel about myself. In the meantime, I have reminded myself that I know what I need to do. The challenge, as always, is doing it.

When I made the move home, I travelled light. I took the opportunity to winnow my wardrobe, tossing or donating anything that was outdated to worn out, or just didn’t suit me anymore. I wasn’t worried, since I knew I had no idea of what I’d really need until I knew what I’d be doing.

The summer wardrobe for Durham isn’t complicated when you aren’t working: a couple of pairs of lightweight cotton pants, a pair of shorts, a skirt or two and a few T-shirts and shirts and you are good to go. I knew (and hoped) that I might be talking to people about work, so I ordered a cotton blazer and pants for the interviews that never materialized. (At least they are still fresh and ready for this year.)

Winter came, and I swapped out the lightweight pants for a couple of pairs of jeans and a pair of slim black pants. (After discovering that the wool pants I’d brought with me had all shrunk (*cough*) over the summer in their garment bag, I was mildly relieved that I had nowhere to wear them.)

Now that I am working a few days a week, and aggressively resuming my hunt for a more substantial job, it is time to assess what I have and what I might need. Here’s what I found:

Black turtlenecks: 3. Cotton ribbed, cotton loose fit, and silk-merino blend. Black V neck sweaters: 2. One is slightly longer and newer than the other. Black T-shirts: 3. One long-sleeved crew neck, one long-sleeved scoop neck with detachable scarf, and one short-sleeved crew neck. Black cotton button down shirt, elbow length sleeves. (Do we see a pattern here?)

White shirts: 5. One basic  cotton button down, one waffle weave cotton button down with French cuffs, one cotton tuxedo style ruffle front, one “safari” style cotton button down, and one linen button down. (I like what I like.)

But I branch out- I have the same safari shirt in natural colored linen, and a short-sleeved, cotton ribbed turtleneck in a nice tobacco color.

And I couldn’t figure out why I was bored with my clothes…

It’s probably no coincidence that the optimism I felt yesterday has evaporated today.  Yesterday, I took my  usual morning walk with my next door neighbor, the sun was shining, and I had a meeting with my literacy student. Exercise with enjoyable company, time outside, and doing for someone besides myself guarantee a good day. Special bonus: when I stepped onto my front porch barefoot yesterday afternoon, the concrete was warm beneath my feet. You don’t fully appreciate that sensation unless it comes as a surprise in the middle of February.

Today is a different story. No walk, and it’s dark and drizzling. I am vaguely guilty over my relief at having nowhere I need to be. I hunkered down and did what needed to be done in hopes of moving my job search forward, but dragged along with me a gloomy sense that it was an empty endeavor. I opened and closed several drafts of posts to this blog without enthusiasm.

Every few minutes I look out my window, focusing on  a few daffodils which provide a spot of glowing yellow against the relentless brown and gray. I know that the days are getting longer and that spring is coming. I know that sooner or later, I will find something worthwhile to do. It’s just easier to remember when the sun is out.

As promised last week, I have taken the following steps:

I have called (thinking that simply emailing was too passive) an office devoted to an aspect of criminal defense and offered my services as a volunteer.  I was immediately directed to email my inquiry, so I did.

I re-visited the website of a different, but related office that I had called last summer. I noted that the guy who did not return my call has been replaced by someone else. (I know it wasn’t because he blew me off, but I can pretend.) I also saw that they were requesting email applications from volunteers, so I shot off an email, also noting that I was interested in additional information regarding becoming certified as a Mitigation Specialist. I will attempt to call their current M.S. next week if I get no response from the email.

I attached an abbreviated form of my resume to both of these inquiries.

I also called the Carolina Dispute Settlement Services to request information on the training they offer to become certified as a Mediator. (This is something I should have done ages ago- I became interested in mediation while I was working in insurance, but somehow fell under the false assumption that a J.D was required to become certified. I have considered and abandoned the idea of law school too many times to count. )

Follow up to these inquiries is scheduled for next Tuesday.

The same adaptability that flummoxed my realtor many years ago (an aging farmhouse on acres of land? loved it! a quirky cottage in Chapel Hill? I could see myself there. a 70’s ranch in Durham? Sure!) allows me some leeway as I hunt for my next job: I am not necessarily interested in doing what I’ve done before, even though I really enjoyed it.

The three jobs for which I applied last week involve my core competencies in some way, although they differ in the details. The first involves investigating and resolving claims against insurance companies on behalf of the state. Considering my extensive background in investigation, and that I was licensed as a claims adjuster in this state, and certified as a claims specialist, I believe that on paper, at least, this is my best fit. The next job is conducting background investigations of federal job applicants. This is posted as an entry-level position with a private company contracting with the government. “Overqualified?” Probably. I do not expect to hear from them, but hope I do. The third job is my favorite. The title is a mouthful: Human Resources Consultant (Grievance Coordinator and Violence Administrator.) The employer is a local university. Not only would I be spending my days on a beautiful campus, I would be most likely to be able to resume my education. I’d be right there after work! I am sorry to say that I am probably less likely to get an interview here. The warning language, directly from the announcement: “Bachelor’s degree and two years of progressively responsible professional human resources management experience (italics added); or equivalent combination of training and experience . All degrees must be from appropriately accredited institutions.”

The problem is not convincing myself that I can flex into the demands of the position, it’s making it clear to the hiring authority. I am feeling more and more like a character in the Wizard of Oz. I possess the desired qualities, just not the symbol of such possession. Will my combination of training and experience be considered “equivalent?” I can only hope that my cover letter was convincing.

In the meantime, the hint that I am getting is that of the jobs that I am finding most interesting, experience in HR is a frequent requirement. Is there an MBA in my future?

Well, of course I am, but I can’t be, for purposes of my job search. I must be a commodity, or a product, or a client. I must take a step back from myself, and in a 180 degree turn from my normal practice, focus on my strengths instead of my failings.

I, the product, am an experienced professional, with a strong work ethic and exceptional people skills. I am adept at identifying a problem and developing strategies to address it. My strongest skills are adaptable to many contexts; to date, I have exercised them in the arenas of criminal law, juvenile dependency, child advocacy, and insurance (worker’s compensation and auto casualty.) I can sell: products and concepts. I am comfortable in high stakes, emotionally charged situations. I have experience in negotiation and mediation, both ad hoc and in formal settings. I research and write. I develop and maintain relationships with peers, clients, and other “stakeholders.” (I can use corporate jargon if I have to.) In a perfect world, I would be in a position that allowed me to train and mentor. I like nothing better than resolving conflict and providing solutions. I operate most effectively in one on one situations, but also enjoy working as part of a team.

Now, all I need to do is convince me that I can sell myself.

George Lakoff

George Lakoff has retired as Distinguished Professor of Cognitive Science and Linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley. His newest book "The Neural Mind" is now available.

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