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Having failed to immediately find a job by rushing directly at one, I resolved to invest serious time and thought into what I really want to do and what I need to get there. Then I avoided taking the time and thinking about it.

Now, I am committed, one tentative step at a time.

For the first time, I have clearly identified what matters to me, and articulated it:

 Health:  I enjoyed what is referred to as “Rude good health” for the first 50 or so years of my life. I considered it rude in the sense that I made no particular effort to maintain it, and in fact risked it by doing dumb things like smoking cigarettes. I have been reminded in several ways that I cannot assume such a level of health will sustain itself without increased effort on my part.

Happy and Healthy Family: This is harder to achieve than it looks, since they seem to have their own opinions on the subject, and arguing about it seems somehow contra-indicated.

Comfortable and Welcoming Home: On the upside, I am finally in my “forever” home, with time to accomplish the things I have spent years planning. I have been painting and planting and rearranging. On the downside, my missing paycheck slows this process down considerably. This is a huge general goal, composed of an infinite number of steps. I am happy to realize that while I can’t necessarily get near the big steps (new flooring, bathroom renovations, etc.) I can manage many others with little or no expense.

Meaningful Work: It’s not all about the money, although I certainly hope to make some (hello, hardwood floors.) I have been lucky enough to know that my past work has made a real difference to some people. It’s a great feeling. I’ve come to realize also that I enjoy teaching/mentoring in any capacity. I am also a far better advocate for  others than myself. I hope that by continuing to tease out the general elements that I enjoyed most in my  previous jobs, I can eventually guide myself to the right place for me now. I also understand that my ideal job may turn out to be “jobs” given my interests, the current employment climate, and my ability to market myself. At this point, I have two planks in my work platform: a volunteer position that inspires and gratifies me, and a new, part-time job. Ideally, I will add a “bigger” job, and pursue some additional volunteer interests. (Next volunteer gig in the hopper: Kitten Whisperer! Okay, that’s not the official title, but the local Animal Protection Society  does use volunteers to socialize adoptable dogs and cats.)

Creative Outlets: Perhaps I will finally use the water colors I got for Christmas too many years ago to admit. In the meantime, there is my little blog, and any number of those projects around the house, so I am feeling pretty satisfied in this area of my life.

My challenge at this point is to direct my energies in service of these goals. They are related, and many of my actions should further more than one: for example, I expect my part-time job to allow me to exercise some creativity, learn something new, and be of some use to people, although in a new way. The money I earn can be allocated toward making my house a cozier place.

Many future posts here will be around my big 5 topics in some way or other. I may even go crazy and try to develop a Mission Statement– do you have one?

At the risk of making The Kid sound like the worst longshoreman alive, I have to add this second, final, incident of salty language from our little cherub:

Toddlers have no respect for time. Getting one out the door in the morning is a daily adventure. Just when you think you are ready, you will turn around and find that your  darling has removed her shoes,  smeared something on her clothing, or just disappeared.

After one particularly fraught morning, when I had finally wrangled her downstairs and out the door, she slipped past me into our tiny, crammed, one car garage to the front of the car where countless hazards awaited. Burdened with her diaper bag, my briefcase, and our jackets, I could not quickly follow her into the narrow space. I eventually managed to coax her to me, and began to load our things into my car. As I calculated just how late I was going to be, I managed to upend one of our bags, sending its contents under the car. That was it. I’d had enough. Acutely aware of the impressionable  creature standing next to me, I let out a pained, “Oh….Shoot!”

I looked down at The Kid. Big blue eyes wide open. “Not “shit?”  she asked.

I’m bemused by the uproar over last night’s episode of “Modern Family,” wherein the youngest member of the cast, known as Lily on the show, takes up recreational swearing. Really? This is offensive? This is real life, people.

I will not pretend that TMIM and I are cuss-free (y’all know we aren’t) but we tried hard to mind ourselves around The Kid when she was little.  Toddlers pick up language like Cocker Spaniels pick up cockle burrs, and ours was no exception. TMIM was fixing dinner , while she and I “played” (After a long day at work, I would flop on her bedroom floor and let her crawl around over me) and the bomb detonated: “f***, f***, f***,”  she prattled happily.

I knew I had to do something, but what? “I heard you,” I said pleasantly, “Don’t you know any other words?”

I had defused the bomb. I did not hear another f*** from her until many years later, when she had learned how to use it properly.

When the topic of Anxiety came up, I was completely sympathetic, and  grateful to have dodged that particular bullet. I have several friends who have struggled with Anxiety Disorder over the years; one of whom who recently described her anxiety as a gigantic monster she battles.

This friend and I chatted recently, and I expressed my admiration of her ability to accomplish so much when she deals with such an oppressive condition. (I should mention at this point that my friend is super-smart, as are all of my friends.  Additionally,  she exhibits a scary level of self-discipline, as well as a relentlessly clear-eyed view of the world.  In short, she is a Queen, not a “princess.”) As I should have expected, she told me that when she is focused on the task at hand, she does not feel anxious. The beast seems to creep in when she is not occupied.

Over the last few months, I have been examining  the question of why I have not made more progress toward the goals I set for myself when I moved here. I am not really lazy, as much as I enjoy a little down time. So what then? Fear of Rejection? Fear of Failure? The dreaded “Low Self Esteem?”

On Rejection: I have spent decades at work at a job that involved the probability of rejection on a near daily basis. I was responsible for trying to talking about unpleasant things with strangers who were under no obligation to speak with me. I got rejected plenty, and came back for more every day.

On Failure: see Rejection, above. Failure at what? What is the worst thing that could happen, any way?  I am by no means the first to note that failure to try = failure.

On Low Self Esteem: Meh. On good days, I know I have family and friends who love me. I can think of ways I have helped people, and remember colleagues who valued me at work. On bad days, I think about how I never could seem to please my mother. (Hopping off the couch now, and pushing it  under the window. Looks better over there, don’t you think?)

When I follow these threads back to their logical origin, I keep arriving at anxiety. Not the big, horrifying kind that you can spot from across the room, but a little, insidious parasite that has managed to sneak into my pocket and travel with me everywhere. I am bigger than it is; and I am probably smarter, too. I don’t need to kill it, just attempt to domesticate it. I can allow it to stay in my pocket, as long as it doesn’t get in my way.  And I refuse to feed it.

When I first considered writing, the pest in my pocket was still undetected, and feral. I worried about my not-yet-written blog: “What if it’s no good?”  I spotted the pest, and began training it.  “What if no one reads my blog?”  More training. “What if my domain name is taken? I’ve got to get on this!”  Thank you, Pest. Now help me find a job.

By now, my imaginary readers (their number is legion) are beginning to ask questions: “Waaaaaait a minute, didn’t you say this blog was about your search for work? HMMM?”

Me (head bent, kicking at phantom dirt clod): “Right. uh…”

I had big ideas and high hopes when I came back in June. I’d take a couple of weeks off to decompress from the demands of quitting a job and packing a two bedroom apartment within a six week window. (Although there was no doubt I would be doing this “someday” the  decision as to when was fairly abrupt.) Then, refreshed and relaxed, I’d start contacting people and agencies in my field, introducing myself and offering to meet to discuss what I might do to be of use, including volunteering my time as I began my search for full time employment. I would also consider what else I would like to do in my new and improved life- start a blog, work part time in a job that tapped into one of my other interests, volunteer as a literacy tutor, go back to school, whatever. And in the meantime, there was plenty to do around the man cave  house. I was sure I’d be working by August.

The R&R part of this plan was easy. Immediately after the 4th of July, I started sending my letters and resumes. Crickets. I made a few follow up calls. I trolled  internet employment sites and sent some more letters and resumes.  I started focusing on the house, and spent some time inventorying what needed work and determining what I could accomplish right away. And then it got hot. I mean, “I don’t remember it being this bad, who gets dressed in this weather?” hot. I began suffering aches and pains I’d never experienced. I didn’t sleep well. I was over-sensitive and emotional.  I was overwhelmed, and beginning to doubt myself. Somehow, my focus shifted from the positive: I am home. I can choose the course of my life from this point. I have time to do what I enjoy- read, paint, sew, putter around the house…to the negative: I’ll never find a job. No one wants to hire someone my age. There is nothing in my field. I have nothing to offer in another field. This house is falling apart and I will never make enough money to get it the way I want it. I became paralyzed by indecision- what should I do first? What if I pick the wrong thing?

I didn’t give up, exactly, I just slowed down. I have realized in retrospect that I  had unrealistic expectations of what I could manage, or at least of the time it would take. Even good changes carry stress; I knew that, but occasionally  suffer the delusion that I am exempt from certain unpleasant realities that apply to others. I have also realized that I couldn’t do what I wanted if I did not know what that was. Rather than continuing to blindly rush headlong at what I thought I should do, I started to circle around the idea of what I wanted to do. I also decided to order myself to just do something.

I have spent the last six months with my family, without having to buy plane tickets. I have become a tutor. I have finished a few projects around the house, started others, and planned even more. I have picked up a part time job that I think I will enjoy (more on that- maybe- as soon as I have digested my new employer’s policy on social media.) I have resumed my old habit of walking, both by myself and with my next door neighbor. And I have started this blog.

This blog is my job, to the extent that it helps me structure my time, and compels me to address what I am doing to identify and achieve my goals. It’s something of an ideal job, because it is fun, but it is clearly part time.  Next week, I attempt to identify the components of my ideal full time job.

Maggie the Wonder Dog came to us a few short months after the death of my first child, a Cocker Spaniel named Ashley, who predated my whole marriage and family life.

When Ashley died, I decreed a year of mourning; there would be no dog to automatically “replace” her. It was a noble thought. I did not fully consider at the time of this pronouncement that my husband was deeply into the demands of his doctoral studies and my child was deeply into the demands of third grade social life. I got bored and lonely pretty quickly after Ashley’s passing in June of  1999.

In September, TMIM took  it upon himself to surprise us with Maggie. In response to his call,  I came home early  from work to find a shyly submissive big black Lab mix creeping toward me  when I walked in the front door .That first night, we heard Maggie barking relentlessly in the backyard. She had treed a possum. Through the years, Maggie continued to bark relentlessly, at visitors, trespassing cats, UPS trucks, and anyone else with the temerity to enter her field of vision.

The one page medical record that we got with Maggie told us that she was about two and a half years old, and  that she’d had one litter of puppies before she was spayed. We learned at our  first vet visit that she had heart worms. Several hundred dollars later, she was fine, and she settled into the family. She and I spent the most time together, ambling through the neighborhood or dozing  away Saturday afternoons on our big old couch in the family room. Despite the fact that I was the one who walked, fed and brushed her most of the time, Maggie considered TMIM as “alpha.” She clearly preferred him to me; it was kind of cute, really.

She was a nervous girl; lots of things spooked her. She was particularly bothered by men in ball caps and/or sunglasses. Sudden noises startled her. She calmed down over the years, but never became the social butterfly we had hoped. At The Kid’s soccer game, she would sit as far away from the group as her leash would allow, looking away from the action. When she and I walked on our neighboring cul de sac, where the other dogs played off leash, she would submit to inquisitive sniffs from them, and then wander off, nosing at random bushes.

She was an unrepentant food thief, enjoying among other things, a stick of butter, one of my very expensive Christmas chocolate bars, and countless bagels my trusting husband incautiously dangled at her nose level. In addition to these more traditional treats, she had a real fondness for Dove cleansing bars, box and all. She survived her dietary crimes, as well as two tumors.

Maggie rode with us from North Carolina to California in 2001, and blazed the return trail with TMIM in 2008.  She adjusted to our new bicoastal life with us, and seemed to thrive in her old environment. TMIM reported that one afternoon he had been unable to find her in the backyard, and finally realized that she had hopped the two foot high planter wall to find a cool spot to rest under the azaleas. When I visited, we happily resumed our meanderings.

“I’ve been trying to decide whether to tell you this,” said my husband during one of our daily phone calls.  Before I could complete my mental inventory of all of the things I would not want to hear, he went on to explain that Maggie had been diagnosed as having a degenerative  neurological condition that caused her back end to disconnect with her front end. She would eventually lose the use of her rear legs while remaining completely alert mentally. It sounded like the cruelest possible ailment for a dog who loved going for a walk second only to eating.

The diagnosis was made during the summer of 2010. Maggie became increasingly unsteady on her feet. Getting up and down took longer. It was nerve-wracking to walk her: we had no idea of how long this irreversible disease would take before its dreaded conclusion. Watching her stand sometimes was like looking at a particularly well worn card table- one set of legs stood at right angles, but the other pair stood at a tilt such that you expected it to collapse at any moment.

And yet she remained with us. I took to calling her “Wonder Dog” when I moved back in June. Really? A year after we were told to expect the worst, and you are here? I started taking her for more walks, far shorter than our old ones, but still. I can’t say that it was any less nerve-wracking, but she enjoyed it so much. (In the past, I’d lost several good sweaters after she snagged them with her toenails in her jumps for joy at the sight of the leash. I learned to step back about as soon as TMIM learned to stop thinking his bagels were safe when she was nearby.)

Just days ago, Maggie was running and jumping when I picked up the leash.( She could jump right to the end; she just couldn’t stick the landing anymore.) She went down for the last time Sunday night in the kitchen. It was appropriate, I guess; she’d spent so many hours there waiting for someone to drop something or toss something in her direction. (Have you ever peeled carrots at a dog? Fun for the whole family.) And now she is gone.

It’s a cliche to say that I learned things from my dog, but I have. I’ve learned that you don’t have to be much good at anything to leave a gaping hole when you leave the people who love you. I have also learned that you can’t let the fear of something bad happening stop you from taking the walk.

As happy as we are to be back together  under one roof, TMIM and I have the occasional tiff, as couples will. Most of ours seem to involve the phrase “Why would you put that THERE?” When this happens, I imagine us in a sitcom: “Loving, long-married couple spend 3 years in long-distance relationship.  They reunite, and hilarity ensues.”

I’m not sure why this works, but I can usually walk away from these little controversies with a smile.

Literacy is a big deal to me. For years, I’ve thought, “I should become a tutor someday.” And now I am. This summer I found an agency that trained and matched tutors to students. My student (let’s call him “BR” ) and I have just begun our second semester together.

BR is a grown man. He has spent more than a decade in prison. His life has included a series of horrifying incidents, any of which might have put me under the bed in a fetal position to this very day. An undiagnosed medical condition led to him being told, as an elementary student, to “sit in the back and draw.” He was socially promoted throughout high school, because he was good at sports. He did not graduate. He read at a second grade level when we met.

Turns out we had a lot in common. One of his goals is to get a driver’s license; I needed to get one too. He is looking for work; so am I.

We meet twice a week. We’ve missed a few sessions, but we are making great progress. Not only has BR’s reading improved, his confidence has grown considerably. He gets as much pleasure from reading “Hop on Pop” out loud as I do from watching this big, tattooed man work his way through it.

It’s clear what BR has learned- he’s got his short vowels sounds “locked down,”  knows what a syllable is, and has mastered most of his sight words. I’ve learned that this is really fun, and that I am pretty good at it. I’ve also learned that doing it is almost as easy as just wanting to do it someday.

If I like something, I want you to have a chance to like it too.

When the weather turns cold, I start to crave this: steel cut oats, fresh blueberries, dried cranberries (mine are the Trader Joe’s orange flavored ones,) ground flax seed (you’ll never even know it’s there), walnut pieces,  and cinnamon. Moisten it your way- a splash of milk or buttermilk, or a pat of butter for a little pushback against all that healthy goodness. It’s got it all : hot,  juicy, chewy, crunchy, aromatic, and creamy. I’m good to go for hours after a bowl.

If you are reading this, you have the internet just like I do, so I won’t bore you with the nutritional merits of every component of this breakfast. You can look them up.

Of course, I’ve never been able to convince The Kid or TM(“don’t talk to me about oatmeal”)IM to share, or even try this glorious concoction. It’s up to you- do you want to be a super hero too?

What’s your favorite breakfast?

George Lakoff

George Lakoff has retired as Distinguished Professor of Cognitive Science and Linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley. His newest book "The Neural Mind" is now available.

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